It seems that for a while I have ceased to live and by this I don't mean that I am dead or dying. Yet it seems that the spark that is supposed to excite one, excite me, has disappeared. I don't know when this happened exactly, but I do know that in some ways I'm no different than a robot. Living as an automaton I go through all the motions of living, yet I'm not alive.

The funny thing is I'm sure I write something like this every 6 months or so, but this is different. Or maybe it is the same, nothing more than a pattern of searching. What am I searching for meaning, Happiness, or something else ? I don't know, but I know that I don't have it.

It's been a long time since I've posted, I know. Sorryz. Things are about to change, I'm going back to working just one job, next week. So I'm going to have time to do things, like sleep and maybe hangout with some friends again.

I met my promise of getting laser started by august, I'm so excited to have finally started it. I got 5 treatments, for a half off. It is a weird sensatation, it's like being wacked with rubber bands. The bad part of about it, is if you have a lot of concentrated hair growth, it hurts like hell. Oh, well that's the price of beauty.

So yeah, that's the news. Holler at a girl sometime.

MC

Which is the right religion for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Buddhism You scored as Buddhism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Buddhism. Do more research on Buddhism and possibly consider becoming Buddhist, if you are not already. In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths: (1) Life is suffering. (2) All suffering is caused by ignorance of the nature of reality and the craving, attachment, and grasping that result from such ignorance. (3) Suffering can be ended by overcoming ignorance and attachment. (4) The path to the suppression of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path, which consists of right views, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right-mindedness, and right contemplation. These eight are usually divided into three categories that base the Buddhist faith: morality, wisdom, and samadhi, or concentration. In Buddhism, there is no hierarchy, nor caste system; the Buddha taught that one's spiritual worth is not based on birth. Buddhism 70% Satanism 60% Agnosticism 55% Hinduism 50% Paganism 45% Islam 40% Atheism 35% Confucianism 35% Christianity 30% Haruhism 30% Judaism 5%

Posted from Blackberry:

The trouble with being stuck is that we often do not know how to become unstuck. Worse, we often know how to create positive change in our lives but choose to stay in our ruts far to long.

The things that we must do to affect change in our lives are sometimes hard. Complaceny is not always lazyness, rather it is a means of defense. Our fears make us myopic, they paralyze us.

So what do you do?

MC

Post from Blackberry:

It seems that a lot has changed in a year some things seem the same.

Am I happier ? Am I stuck ?

I find myself at a place introspection and scarred to find out the truth.

More to come...

MC

I just can't post on here anymore. If I do bad things will come out of my mind. So please read my twitter posts. I can control that much better and I think when things change I will post again. www.twitter.com/christibyte

MC

Today I became an official member of UUCL (Unitarian Universalist Church of Lexington). The ceremony was nice and everyone was very welcoming. My dad came up with a fellow church member. The highlight of the day was when someone was introducing themselves to me and my Dad said "I'm Her Father." He's starting to get it, or at least he is trying to make an effort for public. At any rate little things like that make me happy.

So it occurred to me that it's been about two years since I began this road. That's when it hit me that I needed to go see a therapist and start dealing with my possible gender issues. A little bit after that I started attending the support group. I'm amazed at where I have come from and where I am now. I have accepted my body for what it and do not dwell on what it is not. I lost around 60 to 70 pounds. I learned style and the joys of shopping.

There are some things that have been more painful, lost friendships and more importantly dealing with my parents. I'm not sure where things will go from here, but it looks like things are getting better.

I dunno, my life feels like it is frozen some times, in slow motion and other times I look up and whole months have gone by. I'm so frustrated with a number of things, that I can not change. Every time I make a plan, it needs to be thrown out or modified.

I feel like there were plans made for before I was born, like I was meant to serve a purpose. Yet I have no clue what this is and I have no clue whatsoever how to live up to anything like this. I do think that people come into our lives for a specific reason. Things happen to teach us lessons, whether we learn the lesson is another issue.

Meredith Christine

Seems like I can't find the time to write in this journal anymore... Anyways last saturday I went to Louisville to visit sort of. I was only expecting to see my dad as he is the only one who is somewhat comfortable with my Trans Powers. Well I get into town and he says he is going to the gym. So since I was talking to my Step-dad anyways he, he talked to my mom and they called me back and told me to call come over. So it was the first time that they met me as Meredith-Christine. It was a little odd at first, but for the most time it was like a normal visit. I know that neither of them are comfortable with this or have accepted it yet, but it was a major first step.

So tomorrow is an exciting day, I'm officially becoming a member of the Unitarian-Universalist Church of Lexington (UUCL), My dad is even coming up to see it. I'm excited to find a church that is welcoming of all people and is a place I feel that i can grow in. So that's great.

I've been reading a lot of books lately, mostly at work. I just finished Fight Club and before that I read Running with Scissors. They are both good books, better than the movies that were made, but I think the movies are pretty good too. I'm glad that I stopped watching TV, reading all the time is much more fulfilling.

That's about it for now... I'll try to write again soon, otherwise watch my twitter.

MC

So it seems like I don't get to post on here as much as I used to, that's partly why I started using Twitter (twitter.com/christibyte). Things are starting to get a bit, I dunno existential for me, I think that is a good way to explain it. Some things for me are going really well for me, while others things are going painfully slow.

I feel that many of the things that are happening in my life are meant to happen for a reason. In the last year I have learned so much, changed so much it amazes me and I'm not so much talking about trans as I am talking about becoming independent, taking control of my life. I have met so many people that have taught me lessons, lessons of life that I find to be very valuable and I will always cherish them.

I'm not where I want to be, I get glimpses of happiness. I see the path that I will one day lead, but I am nowhere near where I want to be or need to be. The one thing I have long feared and have come to accept, to some extent, is that I will make this journey alone, At least this stage of the journey. I have watched as people have gone in and out of my world for all of my life.

Anyways... I'll be in Louisville on Saturday NOT visiting my family, so if anyone is around and wants to hangout, let me know.

Meredith Christine